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Title: Sweet N’ Dirty

Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Baekhyun

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Humour, fluff, bakery AU

Warning(s): Language, sexual references

Length: oneshot (~2,200)

Summary: A very tall, very cute customer called Chanyeol comes into Baekhyun's specialty cake shop to order an erotic cake - and is visibly embarrassed about doing so, which Baekhyun finds completely adorable (and subsequently exploits for his entertainment).

Baekhyun started a little at the sound of the bell jingling on the front door, signaling that someone had entered the shop. It was unusual to have a customer this early on a weekday; he stopped rolling out the sheet of white fondant in front of him and dusted his hands, wiping them off on his apron. When he looked up, he saw a very tall young man walk into the room, briefly looking around at the cake displays before stopping in front of him at the counter.

Baekhyun looked the man up and down. He was very cute, with wavy red hair and thick-framed glasses, and he wore a smart navy sweater-vest with a white button-up underneath. The man cleared his throat nervously and offered Baekhyun a tiny smile that lasted all of two seconds.

“Hello there,” Baekhyun said, smiling back at him. “Welcome to Sweet N’ Dirty. How can I help you today?”

“Hello,” the man replied, in a voice so unexpectedly deep and sexy that it made the hairs on the back of Baekhyun’s neck stand on end. He looked uneasy, shuffling around on his feet and turning his head to look at the empty shop behind him before leaning over on the counter. “I’d like to, uh… order a cake,” he said at last, sounding a little out of breath.

“Uh-huh,” Baekhyun replied, nodding his head. “What sort of cake are you after? I make a lot of different cakes here.”

“A, um… a naughty cake,” the man said, almost whispering.

Baekhyun drummed his fingers on the countertop impatiently. “Okay, well that’s a little broad… I can make butt cakes, dick cakes, pussy cakes, boob cakes, full-body cakes, any and all combinations of the above… hang on, I’ll get my book out for you..”

“I’m after a… uh...” The man paused and cupped his hands around his mouth to shield it in case anyone was watching (which there wasn’t, because there was no one else in the shop) and then silently mouthed the words dick cake. Baekhyun had to suck his lower lip into his mouth and bite down on it hard to keep himself from smiling. It proved to be very difficult, but he managed to avoid it by poring over his book of sample cake photos, trying to find something the tall guy might like.

“What’s the occasion?” he asked casually, looking up from the book with one eyebrow raised. “Like, is it for a party, or… for yourself..?”

“Oh no, no…” the man interrupted him, waving his hands around frantically in protest, and in doing so he nearly knocked a jar of dick cookies off the counter. Baekhyun reached out just in time to steady it with one hand. “I’m so sorry,” the man continued, bowing his head repeatedly, “but no, it’s not for me. It’s for my best friend’s birthday party… it’ll be a surprise. He, um… he’s really into that sort of thing.”

Baekhyun smiled; this time he forgot to stop himself. “He’s into penis cakes..?”

“Yes,” the man said, chewing his lip. “Well… just penises, really.”

Baekhyun nodded in understanding and went back to flipping through cake photos. “Alright then,” he said, looking back up at the man. “I’m sorry, what was your name..?”

“Chanyeol,” the tall guy said. “And, um, it still is.”

Baekhyun narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Still is what?”

“My name.”

“Ah,” Baekhyun said, and laughed a little; then he noticed Chanyeol’s cheeks colouring and stopped himself. “Alright, Chanyeol, help me out here,” he said, tightening his apron strings and rubbing his hands together. “You know your friend better than I do; would he like something cute and cartoonish perhaps? You know, we could give the dick a little happy face, put it in a little tuxedo… that sort of thing is very popular. Or maybe your friend might like something a little more, I don’t know...” – Baekhyun gesticulated with his hands, trying to find the right words. “…Anatomically correct..?”

Chanyeol pondered this for a moment, contemplatively rubbing his chin; he looked even cuter when he was thinking, Baekhyun thought.

“I’m not sure,” Chanyeol said at last. “But I think he’d probably appreciate something at least semi-realistic.”

“Okay, well, how about something like this?” Baekhyun replied, holding up a picture of a particularly realistic cake for Chanyeol to see. Chanyeol leaned forward and peered at the photo, his brow knitting in concentration. He seemed to go even redder, if such a thing were possible.

“That particular cake had a lovely moist red-velvet sponge on the inside,” Baekhyun told him, still struggling to hide a smile. “And the outside, as well as all the little details – veins, skin folds, all the little wrinkles in your dinkle – that’s all fondant. These cakes are edible art, you see, so I don’t skimp on the details. I can do pubic hair with icing or fine chocolate shavings, or you can go bald if you prefer. And most customers ask for a cream or custard filling, but you can opt out of that as well—”

“Um, sounds good,” Chanyeol interrupted him. “I’ll just go with all of what you just said.”

“Okay… you got it,” Baekhyun said, writing this down. “Cream or custard?”

“Cream,” Chanyeol replied. “Please.”

“Uh-huh,” Baekhyun muttered absently. “Big balls or little balls?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “Gee, I don’t know… normal-sized, I guess..?”

Baekhyun nodded. “When do you need it for? And to serve how many?”

“For Saturday. There’s around twenty of us, I think.”

“Would you like me to write a nice little birthday message on the penis with icing?”

Chanyeol sighed and wearily shrugged his shoulders. “Sure. Why not.”

Baekhyun finished writing down all of Chanyeol’s requests, still smiling with one side of his mouth. “Great… I’ll keep it short and sweet – the message, that is, not the penis. Would you like some cream coming out of the tip, you know, to look like—”

“No, it’s fine,” Chanyeol cut in; he was visibly cringing at this point. “Let’s just keep all the cream contained, shall we?”

“Alright, if you say so,” Baekhyun agreed. He was past caring whether Chanyeol saw how widely he was smiling; there was nothing he could possibly do to embarrass the poor guy any further. He set down a piece of paper and a pen on the counter in front of Chanyeol. “Kindly write down your contact details and your friend’s name here; I’ll give you a call on Saturday morning, so you can come—” he emphasized the word, pausing briefly for effect – “and pick the cake up. And just so you’re aware, I’ll need to take a minimum deposit of $50 upfront… you know, just in case you don’t show up, and I’m left with a big cream-filled dick in my hands.” Having said this, Baekhyun stifled a fake laugh with his hand. “Sorry, did I just say in my hands? I meant on my hands... goodness me.”

Chanyeol pulled his wallet from his back pocket and nearly dropped it onto the floor. “All good,” he said, his voice a little strained. “Is cash okay..?” he asked, thrusting a bundle of notes in Baekhyun’s direction.

Baekhyun smiled winningly at Chanyeol as he accepted the money. “Cash is perfectly fine. Have a good day, Chanyeol… I’ll see you bright and early on Saturday.”

“Thanks… you too,” Chanyeol replied, turning his head to look at Baekhyun on his way towards the door. Baekhyun winked at him. Chanyeol quickly looked away and almost tripped himself up over the welcome mat in front of the entrance; he straightened himself up, dusted himself off and, without a word, walked out of the shop.

* * * * *

When Chanyeol popped in early on Saturday morning to pick up the cake, he looked much the same as he had the last time Baekhyun saw him; shy and reluctant, almost folding in on himself like a portable camping chair. He was more casually dressed in a blue polo shirt and jeans this time, and he walked through the shop on his long unsteady legs (the same impossibly long legs Baekhyun had been fantasising about for the past few days), gawking at all the sexy cakes on display. Baekhyun saw him looking at a big, garishly pink vagina cake as though it might eat him, instead of the other way around, and once again found it hard not to laugh.

“So nice to see you again, Chanyeol,” he said, smiling warmly as Chanyeol approached the counter. “Are you ready to behold my glorious creation?”

“Uh, yeah,” Chanyeol mumbled, looking anywhere but into Baekhyun’s eyes. He straightened his glasses and cleared his throat. “Let’s see it then.” He said this as though he were about to witness something far more terrifying than a penis cake.

“Alright… prepare yourself,” Baekhyun said, grinning up at Chanyeol as he set down a white cake box in front of him on the counter. When he lifted the lid of the box, he heard Chanyeol quietly gasp for breath. He held it for a long time before exhaling.

“This… this isn’t what I ordered,” Chanyeol said, closing the box again. He looked more perplexed than annoyed.

“Oh, really..?” Baekhyun replied, his face falling in disappointment. “You don’t like it? But I made it just for you..”

“This is a—” Chanyeol began loudly, and then stopped short when he noticed a young couple browsing in the shop, who were now looking curiously in his direction. He lowered his voice to a whisper so they wouldn’t hear. “I did not order a butt-shaped cake with ‘I’M YOURS’ written on it..”

“Oh,” Baekhyun said, pretending to look hurt. “So you’re rejecting my sweet ass? That’s too bad. I filled it with chocolate buttercream just for you.”

Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun blankly for a moment. “Wait… what?”

“I thought you were really cute when you came into my shop the other day,” Baekhyun told him. He sighed dramatically. “So I figured I’d make this nice cake for you, sort of as a cute way of asking you out… but I mean, if you don’t want it..”

“Where is the cake I actually ordered?” Chanyeol said quietly, interrupting him.

Baekhyun smiled and lifted a finger to his lips. “You might need to remind me what you ordered, Chanyeol. I make a lot of cakes, you know, and sometimes I forget things.”

Chanyeol sighed heavily and leaned over the glass display case to get a little closer. “It’s a red velvet penis cake with cream in it that says ‘happy birthday Jongdae’.”

“What was that?” Baekhyun asked, holding a hand up to his ear. “Can you just repeat that for me please?”

“I said, it’s a red velvet penis cake with cream in it that says ‘happy birthday Jongdae’!” Chanyeol spluttered, and then held his hands up to his mouth, looking mortified. The young man and woman in the shop were now staring right at him.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Baekhyun replied, clicking his tongue. He picked up another white box, plopping it down next to the other one. “Is this the one you were after..?”

Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, Chanyeol opened the box and looked inside at its contents. His eyes widened for a moment and a faint blush began to creep up his neck. He closed the box gently.

“That’s the one,” he said, nodding. His expression was solemn, almost defeated. “You certainly went all out with the realism..”

“Oh really?” Baekhyun asked brightly. “Do you like it, then?”

“It looks so much like an actual penis that I don’t think I’ll be able to eat it,” Chanyeol replied, sighing as he pulled out his wallet. “But I suppose Jongdae will appreciate it more than I do. That’s the important thing.”

Baekhyun laughed and accepted the balance of what he was owed for the cake, handing Chanyeol his change. “Glad to hear it. So… you’re not going to take me up on my offer, then?”

Chanyeol thought about this for a moment and then picked up the box in front of him. “You can keep your sweet ass,” he said, and then his lips twitched into the beginnings of a crooked smile. “But I suppose a date couldn’t hurt.”

“Oh no, it won’t hurt,” Baekhyun replied, shaking his head. “Unless you want it to, of course.”

Chanyeol blushed for the tenth time that morning. “Well, you have my number,” he said, laughing shyly. “So I suppose I’ll hear from you soon.”

Baekhyun nodded, grinning widely at him. “Very soon,” he said. “Goodbye, Chanyeol. I sincerely hope Jongdae enjoys his penis.”

“He will, don’t worry,” Chanyeol replied, and with one last bashful smile aimed in Baekhyun’s direction, he stumbled out the door.

Baekhyun sighed happily and picked up the box on the counter. He opened it up, expecting to find the butt cake Chanyeol had politely declined moments earlier; instead he found the penis cake with the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY JONGDAE!!” written across it in chocolate icing.

Baekhyun closed the box again, shaking his head and biting his lip to keep from laughing. “Very soon indeed,” he said to himself, and reached for the phone to call Chanyeol’s number.


Date: 2015-02-07 12:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Date: 2015-02-09 09:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
haha thank you XD i wrote a second part here ---> xx

Date: 2015-02-07 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! :D

And Baek, I'd love to eat your sweet ass... ummm, I mean... uhhh. XD

Date: 2015-02-09 09:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
thank you! :D i wrote a sequel as well, which is here -->

Date: 2015-02-08 12:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Date: 2015-02-09 09:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
haha dammit, why didn't I think of that..? But anyway, I wrote a second part which you can find here - xx

Date: 2015-02-08 09:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
lol omg XDDDDDD
hahahah omg poor chanyeol that boy but he is so cute
i can see why baekhyun would like to tease him :P but aww
lol freakin' baekhyun's shop is amazing XDDDDDD hahaha nice :P

Date: 2015-02-09 09:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
glad you enjoyed! here's part 2: xx

Date: 2015-02-08 11:42 am (UTC)

Date: 2015-02-09 09:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

(sequel to this fic is here:

Date: 2015-02-08 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hahaha this reminds me of the time when I was in Bruges and we were windo-shopping with a friend and ended up in front of a chocolate shop and there were those huge penis-shaped chocolates with detailed veins and all and of course white chocolate at the tip to figure... well you know.
That was hilarious and awkward Chanyeol is about as canon as pervy Baekhyun xD
That was nice; thanks for sharing <3

Date: 2015-02-09 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL no matter how much I like chocolate (although tbh i only like it sometimes), I could not eat a chocolate penis. I don't think.

Anyway, thank you so much Alice ^^ xx

Date: 2015-02-09 02:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
omfg this was such a good laugh i loved it so much!
thanks for writing wonderful baekyeol so often :D

Date: 2015-02-09 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
thank you! and you're welcome ^^ i wrote a sequel as well, which is here -

Date: 2015-02-12 09:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
omg i was grinning all the way through this XD baek is such a tease XD
thanks a lot for writing & sharing it. ♥

Date: 2015-02-13 10:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
haha thank you for reading ^^ xx

Date: 2015-09-05 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


Part II led me here so I read this first ^^

Date: 2015-09-07 10:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
haha I'm glad you found it amusing xx

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